The cure to confusion: The path forward and the illusions of time.

We all hope life comes with a handbook, right?

Robert has been awake in his bed for some time now. He knows he has to get up and do something but he wished he knew what.

He tossed and turned for a while before pulling his phone off charge from his bedside and scrolled through Instagram. A half and a quarter hour later he rolled off, threw his sheets and slipped on his slides.

In the bathroom he was brushing his teeth, while staring at his appearance in the mirror. His features weren’t unpleasant, in fact there were right in proportion but it did not look good this morning. His hair was a mess poking in all directions and his eyes looked dull. He spit off the foam, rinsed his mouth, washed his face and waddled downstairs to eat yesterday’s leftovers for breakfast. Once breakfast was done he would have to work. Robert had finished college a few months ago, while others were planning for their future he had spent his time contemplating what to do. While others had got on board with prestigious companies and were on their way to being promoted he was still contemplating. His mundane life had few interests and what bothered him the most was confusion. He had tried to get on online businesses, take up examinations and applied for various positions but none worked out. Instead, should he say he lacked the motivation to work to get those? He had been naturally gifted as a child and rarely had to work hard to get good grades. In college he started struggling with the coursework as he had no study methods and the ones he knew did not work for him anymore.

Now that he is done with college, he has been unable to discern his future as he feels it is a huge decision. He fears his future, for his past efforts have been a joke. ‘What if the past repeats? What if I start something again and am validated that I am a failure?’ He wonders. Just yesterday he had come across a reel that said being depressed and anxious was a deadly combination, you are anxious to do something but too depressed enough to do anything. He thinks it is true, because life has been unfair to him by letting him stand still while time kept moving forward.

He had read a few books, woke up early in the morning to go for a walk in nature and followed it up with a cold shower. He had also started affirming to himself in the mirror but nothing seems to work out. The earlier he wakes up the more tired he feels, walking in nature is calming but when he comes back he feels more anxious than ever feeling like he is wasting time, cold showers are good and the more he affirms to himself in the mirror, many things seem to be popping up in reality seemingly breaking his affirmations. He has always been a perceptive person, but now he feels tired. Every step he takes towards self-improvement seems to be pushing him towards a dead end. Because no matter what you do, if you lack direction in life, nothing ever feels right. And with the people around him, young and old rushing forward, the one who feels behind in life is even more anxious.

‘Why don’t I just give up?’ He roars in his head. Give up on trying to be better, let go and live a mundane life, after all that was his life a few years back and despite small setbacks, he was fine. He didn’t have the war in his head, which almost drove him crazy. The issue is, he isn’t willing to give up. He was fine when he was ignorant but now that some things have come to light, he could not ignore it. And he really wants to be better, life is boring otherwise. He will do anything to prove that he is not a failure, to himself and to the people around him.

A few months roll by. What he feared the most happened. He had failed in front of everyone a few times now and for the past couple of months, all that has been in his head is what they would perceive him as. He wishes he could go somewhere where no one knows him and start anew or disappear off the face of earth. He has nothing to lose anymore. He seems to be a failure in life and society, embarrassed to even show his face outside or meet people from his past, surrounded by the inferiority caused due to his circumstances, and all this made him desperate. Desperate for some sort of achievement or meaning in his life.

That was Robert a year ago. I wouldn’t say he is successful now but he is at peace. He no longer feels the need to do something he doesn’t like anymore, he has figured out his interests and purpose, he gave up on external validation and has found himself again. The redeeming factor was that, one day he got up and life had gotten brighter. His fears, procrastination, confusion, anxiety and insecurities were washed away by a gentle stream and it wasn’t an overnight shift.

He realised the more he faced his fears, the more cowardly they became in the face of him and that life wasn’t pushing him towards a dead-end, except towards rebirth and reformation. And that everything that came up while trying to be someone better was his triggers that needed to be tended to and healed so that his foundation is stronger.

Robert realised, somewhere silently in July, he had done it. Just when he thought he was left behind, he realised he was in the forefront. And every failure in his past was him losing a battle to win the war. The things he hated in the past have borne him fruits. He had spent the past year trying new things and almost failing in all of them. When life feels dark and you continuously hold hope for the project at hand only to watch it go down the drain, no matter how strong a person is, he would feel wronged. He did too.

The fears he had to face, some things he had to unwillingly accept, the cruel indifference of life on his shoulders that said no matter how aggrieved or wronged you feel, if you don’t work you will not receive the results and the people around him who were dedicated to misunderstanding him made him feel claustrophobic. He could not escape in to his favourite coping mechanisms, create illusions in his head that there was nothing wrong or even run away. He had thrown things in anger a few times, broke down in grief in enclosed spaces and sometimes even gave up and lay down flat on his bed.

But when those overwhelming emotions washed away and only his breathing was heard, there was a small voice in his head that nagged him to try again. And he did so, repeatedly.

Laying down was uncomfortable because of the things in reality he could not ignore.

‘What a hassle’, he used to think to himself.

Anyway, he tried and then, he won. The things that did not work in the past were things that he thought would make him happy but he only did so to live the societally successful life and be accepted in his community. One day he had no other choice but to bring his creations in the dark to light, the very things the people around him despised for having no commercial value and that was the most satisfactory day of his life. He had accepted the truth, let go of the connections he thought was important and by doing so he accepted himself.

Robert can be any of us. Likewise, we all struggle in places unknown to men and think to ourselves that we are the only ones going through such troubles. While I do not wish suffering upon anyone and hope that we are actually lonely, the truth is, that many of us have lived similar lives, gone through similar experiences but are still isolated because we either refuse to ask for help for we have been misunderstood and gaslit by the community around us or we have not understood the situation ourselves and do not wish to draw light upon our circumstances. No matter what the world says, there is fortitude in moving forward despite the setbacks and maybe if we are lucky enough, you can get aid silently and anonymously.

Through analysis we realise Robert’s life has three components in it.

a). Getting out of the comfort zone by trying out something new.

b). Pushing triggers that make us want to retract into our shell (comfort-zone)

c). Recognising those triggers, finding their core and healing them.

Throughout this process, Robert had no idea what he was walking towards, had to trust the unknown, go through circumstances having no idea what the results would be or how long it would take and still stay strong. And no matter how many times he failed, wished to give up, ponder his life choices, watch his fellow mates moving forward in life, he had the gall to stay in this excruciating process, persevere even when he had depleted all of his strength, alchemising himself to become his strongest counterpart. To Robert, this was a journey, a lonely yet rewarding one.

By the end, Robert seems to have found someone new in himself, found confidence and regained his sense of self. For man, as long as he has become someone who is not affected by the circumstances outside, he has crossed half the way to success. Because once you have figured out what you want, discipline and consistency comes easily and there is no need for motivation. At least this is what, he thinks.

When this journey came to end, something new began, somewhat vague, without clear boundaries. And now, Robert is on a new journey, with his backpack full of good and valuables from his previous hunt.