The day after I made a mistake: From someone who is still figuring things out.

The day after I made a mistake, I was confused. With a heavy heart and regretful brows, I could not do anything but sit down and blame myself in agony. Self-loathing crawled up my heart little by little making me unfit to continue with anything. I gave up on any effort on taking care of myself and indulged in my escapism techniques. Inexplicably, this state I was very familiar with was how I used to spend my depressed years. Questions like ‘what do I do? Was I wrong? But what can I do now?’ filled my mind, chipping away the slightest comfort those moments of escape brought me. 

I looked for victims to shift blame and it worked for a while, then tried to shirk responsibility. It seemed to have calmed my soul. But there were times I made mistakes in public, in places where shifting blame and avoiding accountability did not work anymore and I was left alone to face it, abandoned by the world. I felt like a victim to circumstances but it was also proving something wrong. Something I desperately wished would not happen. People who made mistakes were bad because the good people I knew did not make mistakes. Was I a bad person then? That couldn’t be true!

So I forgot that it ever happened and moved on with life. Life seemed to be going on smoothly but also not. The days were repetitive yet comforting but there were moments I saw my mediocrity and cringed, saw dazzling confident people and envied, saw people with a presence of mind and shrunk inside my shell of inferiority. It wasn’t so significant but it was right in front of my eyes. The evidence to my long standing obsession with not accepting the truth, not realising my mistakes and bypassing lessons (opportunities) that could have turned me into someone better.

I couldn’t just let things go like this. I had to do something. So, I went online and started researching on my symptoms. I found a lot, but the one I significantly remember was meeting people who made me feel that I was normal. That I wasn’t alone and that they were a part of my journey too. I had no idea what seeing those comments under the videos I watched meant, but it was comforting to know that I wasn’t alone. So I let go, slowly. Got comfortable in my inferiority and even started to use humour as a defence mechanism.

Unfortunately, even such comfort and company could not take away the haze in my heart. There were no comfortable nights and no happy outdoor adventures. I barely connected with people and the scariest of it all, was that I couldn’t connect with myself. Questions like ‘Who are you?’ and ‘What do you like?’ scared me, but I also feared boring people with my replies. Life that seemed so simple for others, became so hard that I started to feel like I was breathing wrong.

So, now with a much stronger conviction, I went online again. This time, as experienced as I was, my eyes glazed over the relatable comments and found some helpful ones. I started to learn more on envy and how triggers work as a mechanism to let us know about our inner desires. I followed a bunch of people, listened to a bunch of podcasts and finally built up enough momentum to take action. As scared and sceptical as I was, I couldn’t start strong. But you had to start, nonetheless and recording things slowly was my way.

I started to record my mistakes and my reactions that followed. My brain seemed to have a magic function, that when I started to do that, she started focusing on people making the same mistakes as me and I got to see how they reacted. In my narrow world, very few choices were available and over time I accepted the situation for what it was but the variety in the actions of the people in my life startled me. I almost couldn’t accept it. When something out of ordinary happens, either of the two parties must be at fault. What is with this circumstance where both are at fault and sometimes circumstances are as such? Who do you blame then? Is this a new way of shirking responsibility? I used to wonder.

Days passed by, realisations set in, my world of black and white turned grey. Duality seemed to exist in people but the blame game became intolerable. So many things started to make sense and after a long while, I was finally able to see the river in the desert and this time, it wasn’t a mirage. It all started with a situation, one filled with mistakes of my own and people around me, a strange series of circumstances happening in perfect timing, just to make it look like it was all my fault from an outsider’s perspective. I wouldn’t consider it positive but you cannot tell me that it wasn’t a miracle that all those things happened, in order, at the right time. I used to be sceptical about the universe sending you lessons, now my face hurts a bit from being slapped.

Four months of depression later, I had sort of figured it out. The day after you make a mistake, reflect on that situation. What do I feel right now? Write it down with clarity even if your fingers are trembling in resistance. Sometimes it is normal to want to avoid the things that make you uncomfortable but the most important thing is not to blame yourself. It is fine if you are tempted to shift it or forget it ever happened, we ought to remember that those escapism techniques are only there to help us when we find ourselves in an incomprehensible situation. And for the sake of our mental safety, anything that doesn’t harm the interest of others is forgivable.

What happened? Who are the parties involved? Who said what? What was I feeling at that moment? What was I feeling after that situation passed? What I wished happened instead?

Sometimes doing this makes you feel selfish. And we tend to avoid it. You might feel that the words you uttered or the things you said came from a selfish point of view and don’t wish to bring that on paper because bringing it on paper might mean making it physical. Resistance will find any crack or hole to creep in. And you might find yourself cringing at the very thought. Personally, resistance has crept in through cracks or openings caused due to confusion and doubts. Confusion from not knowing if I was right or wrong and doubt because I have been wronged in the past and was accused and I wonder if history is repeating itself.

The day after you made a mistake, shoulder the blame. Do it until you figure out the general right and wrong of the situation. For those who have not been taught how to approach these circumstances, shouldering the blame is the best course of action. Because the first thing we are hit with after something happens is confusion. And it is the same confusion that can lure us, towards a downward spiral if we chose to make ourselves feel better at the moment. Shouldering blame allows you to practice the strength and magnanimity that comes with taking responsibility. At the moment, who is right and who is wrong doesn’t matter, but who you were when you came out of that situation.

By time, we start to recognise patterns, see through people’s actions and start to understand the crux of the matter. It is easy to feel wronged in the process. But for the bigger picture, it is okay to take on some petty blames now. Sometimes, it is easier to figure things out when you are in the vortex.

The emotions that came out during this process were anger, grievances and despair. Because at the end of the day it is about not letting your doubts stop you while keeping yourself from slipping into the spiral of self-blame. It is also important to remember that no matter who was wrong, they did it from the perspective of wanting the best for themselves. And that is forgivable, right?

So, shoulder the blame, stay in the vortex, figure out the right, the wrong and the grey area and allow yourself to be open minded throughout it all. Towards yourself and others. It is okay to be confused, have questions, lose patience, fail a few times and still move forward. And finally, let things happen for you. Some things in life don’t require you to work from the beginning to the end, just like a seed that only needs to planted and occasionally watered to grow.

Good luck!